By Francesca Lee
Towards the latter years of my dance life, at the ages of 10 and 11. I was fortunate enough to experience the thrill of a West End show audition, for Jane in Mary Poppins! I applied via a children’s tv show that was on at the time, called ‘Blue Peter’, sent in an application, got an audition and proceeded to audition in London. It honestly was one of my favourite days of my life.
The sound of nervousness before you entered the audition room, being measured to make sure you were the right height and the chatter of those leaving the audition before you. Once in the room, I remember feeling so free pretending to chase a kite whilst singing ‘let’s go fly a kite’ over and over again to our heart’s content until the choreographer and casting agents had seen all that they needed. We then advanced to stand up one by one to recite a line from the show, although feeling terrified and excited at the same time; I thought to myself what an incredible industry to be a part of, getting lost in the ability to play and imagine characters to bring stories to life. One of the greatest art forms there is available to us in this world. Just as Jesus taught in parables, stories to convey a message to those he was preaching and teaching to. It helps us understand concepts in a way that is so innovative and long lasting.
Fast forward to just over a year later, a year that I didn’t realise my health would start to landslide without my control and everything that I knew and loved would start to fade away. At the beginning of 2007 I sustained an ankle injury, which instantly began to knock my confidence, in myself, in life and in my abilities. I had to stop participating in dancing, not even wanting to go and watch. I became very withdrawn, I went from being a very bubbly and lively person to just wanting to spend quiet time on my own. I could feel my personality changing, seeping away.
That summer I contracted a virus, sleeping for two weeks solid. I did make somewhat of a recovery but by the end of the first week of school back after the summer break, having had a very busy week and then a day trip up to London, I came home feeling so sick, exhausted and my face so pale and grey; from that weekend onwards my life has never been the same again.
I went from being able to walk to and from school, nearly an hour each way, and dancing 3 times a week the previous year, to lying on the sofa or in bed in the darkness of my room day after day with no improvement in sight.
I always remember my Grandma telling me the story of how when they’d returned home from a cruise, I was lying on my couch, barely able to speak, I murmured to her “Grandma I’m ill like I was before in the summer, but this time I’m not getting better.” From then onwards I had to swap my dance shoes for a wheelchair and dance tights for ankle or body supports. Those around me described that my light ‘went out’. It’s been a quest all of these years to find healing, answers and the light again!
There were many other activities that I was so lucky to participate in such as different sports, choir, orchestra and playing my flute. But for some reason dancing and performing were a part of myself that I found the hardest to let go of and mourned leaving behind. A part so deep, probably ingrained into my being, which has been passed down through generations in my family, it was no longer a part of who I was.
Even the pain of being able to watch dancing on tv was too much for me and brought a deep sadness like I’d never experienced before.
I had faded away and had become a shadow of my former self. A version of myself that I no longer recognised or found it hard to accept if I was able to look into a mirror. I had lost over two stone in under a month or in American measurements 28 pounds, unable to eat any solid foods and experienced heart wrenching seizures day after day.
I was no longer able to attend full time school, everything I knew, loved and was able to do had evaporated from my life apart from my friends, family and my home. I’m so unbelievably thankful for these things and I have truly learnt the meaning of true and unconditional love. From my friends who have always stuck by me and new friends entering my life as the years go on and my family who have fought for me and not given up on me when some days all I could do was try my best to keep breathing. I have found that these things are the foundation that makes life worthwhile and when everything else falls away these and my faith remain.
(Side note/story)
Throughout a period of time in 2007, as my health was on the decline, I had a dear friend with whom I spent a lot of my time in the support centre at school with, who was battling cancer. I remember a few of my friends and I would walk with her every lunchtime from the support centre to reception, we’d stop every few metres by a radiator for her to take a break and catch her breath, I remember thinking to myself how brave she was. Little did I know that I would be following in her footsteps a few months later, but instead of walking I’d either have to be carried or in my wheelchair. The time spent with her over the last few months of her life, even though we were both experiencing such pain and hardship, were some very dear and special moments. I'm so thankful that I got to witness her strength, sheer determination and nonstop smile.
I grew up a Christian, but it wasn’t until my life rapidly deteriorated, that I had to cling to my faith. It was an anchor, which grew and stemmed from much adversity.
My faith has given me a hope and something far greater than myself to believe in when everything else was out of my control.
In the times of the pitch darkness of my bedroom, riddled with fear, excruciating pain, overwhelming fatigue and some days not knowing if I’d make it through til the morning.
I knew that no matter what happened Jesus was with me or that if it was time, I could be taken safely back home. I didn’t have a choice but to believe. I was given wooden holding crosses for comfort and I would grip tight to them in the hope and utter desperation that things would get better or on the other hand I’d soon leave this world, for everything to just stop and be gone. I knew that I just had to “be still and know” and that God would fight for me.
Psalm 46:10 NIV
“Be still, and know that I am God;
Exodus 14:14 NIV
The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still.”
I know the same to be true for a lot of my dear friends who also battle with their health. Our faith and spiritual life has been heightened and strengthened immensely due to our lack of our body’s physical ability. The intimacy that’s been grown, nurtured and matured with the Lord is so special and truly has been us putting all of our faith and trust in him.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”
Towards the beginning of my illness, I started to question God’s love for me. I thought that he may be punishing me for something that I must have done in my childhood. I’d lie in bed at night re-running memories in my mind. Thinking of all the possibilities of what I’d done wrong or if I consciously couldn’t remember, asking for repentance for anything that I could have done to produce the dire consequences that I found myself in. It was a hurtful process too, feeling guilty for not feeling God’s love. Over the years I came to realise God didn’t punish us and found myself being a witness and recipient of his unfailing, never ending love. Psalms 103:8-14 MSG
“God is sheer mercy and grace; not easily angered, he's rich in love. He doesn't endlessly nag and scold, nor hold grudges forever. He doesn't treat us as our sins deserve, nor pay us back in full for our wrongs. As high as heaven is over the earth, so strong is his love to those who fear him. And as far as sunrise is from sunset, he has separated us from our sins. As parents feel for their children, God feels for those who fear him. He knows us inside and out.”
I think it is a very real question to ask “why does God let bad things happen?” And I know for some people in my life they have lost their faith due to seeing the suffering that I’ve endured and having to partake in that with me.
However, for me it’s strengthened my faith in a way that it’s so hard to put into words. Feelings of love, peace and grace that transcends throughout your body and soul. An inner knowingness and a comfort that is not seen but so tangibly felt. “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Hebrew 11:1 KJV
A scripture that I always come back to is Romans 8:31-39 NLT. I think this passage so eloquently describes the vastness and depth of God’s love and is a beautiful reminder for me whenever I read it. As you read this next scripture, I pray that you can let God’s love wash over you, in you and through you. Whatever trial, heartache or disappointment you are facing, know that you are so loved and that nothing can or could ever separate us from God’s love.
“Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.” No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
I have found over the years, although my life is much lighter than it used to be, despite still physically struggling, that maybe for the light to shine so brightly, sometimes the darkness must be present, and maybe just maybe, you have to know such darkness before you can truly appreciate the light!
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