“For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NLT
Never has a passage of scripture, especially the last line, felt more real and true for me than back in 2007, when I had to give up and leave behind an aspect of my life that I deeply loved and enjoyed the most - Performing.
An activity that so many of us in this beautiful community cherish so dearly. An activity that makes us feel most ourselves and alive. An activity that we’re able to connect to the depths of our soul, that gives us our purpose and life meaning.
For me this has been a journey of grief and of loss and in all honesty, coming to write these articles has been a lot harder than I originally thought. It’s been a huge part of myself that I’ve hidden away, maybe on some level denied to think about for a long long time. It’s left a larger hole in my heart than I even realised.
Performing, especially dancing, was something that I loved, brought me to life and came so naturally to me; I feel so lucky that I got to live and experience it for the 10 years that I did.
Over the next four weeks, I’m going to take you on a journey of my life with performing, detailing the love, the loss and the relearning of how to do life when you’re unable to do the things that you love and make up a huge part of who you are.
I pray that in this process of reading my words, if there’s a part of your life that you’ve lost and had to grieve, particularly in this industry, especially when it’s not been your choice to give it up! Know that it’s ok. We are like the clay that God shapes for us to become who he’s created us to be.
Jeremiah 18:1-6 ESV - “The word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord: “Arise, and go down to the potter's house, and there I will let you hear my words.” So I went down to the potter's house, and there he was working at his wheel. And the vessel he was making of clay was spoiled in the potter's hand, and he reworked it into another vessel, as it seemed good to the potter to do. Then the word of the Lord came to me: “O house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done? declares the Lord. Behold, like the clay in the potter's hand, so are you in my hand, O house of Israel.””
Isaiah 64:8 ESV- “But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand.”
It’s definitely been and still is a refining process. I can describe and liken it to how glass is made. It's like suddenly being thrown into a burning fire or furnace, to then be carefully rescued by God’s grace, love and mercy to be moulded into something far greater than we could ask or imagine. There is so much beauty in that, especially to see how God shapes your life, but it is also a very painful process and one for me even now, is ongoing day by day. I pray that if you find yourself here too, you’re able to see and know that there is life beyond the diminished dreams, heartache and sorrow. It may just look differently than you’d hoped. However, there is still so much purpose within your God given story.
Dancing and performing were the hardest things that I’ve ever had to give up. Without a choice, when my body was forcing me to stop. I could no longer do all that I loved anymore.
I didn’t realise until many years later, I was grieving a love of an art form that my body or I physically weren't able to participate in any longer. It felt like a part of me had died.
….. this is my story!
“So let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start” - The Sound of Music.
When you are little your parents in a way, get to choose your passions as you start out in life. Luckily for me, my Mum chose to put me in dance classes from the age of three and a half. I quickly took a shine to dancing and grew to love it. In the very early years, pretending to be a tree or a flower starting to bloom or to know the difference between ‘good toes and naughty toes’ in preschool ballet. It was a love of learning and finding the ability that my body was able to move to the music so innately and effortlessly that I didn’t have to think twice about it. To feel the beat, to make different tap sounds with my tap shoes or to be soft and gentle in ballet. My little mind, body and soul was captivated by an activity that at the time, I didn’t realise far predated my existence here on this earth.
Over the years, to dance in unison with other souls who felt the same passion, drive and joy that you did. Throughout my time in dance classes, I started out with ballet and tap and then was introduced to jazz a year or so later. I loved having so many different styles of dance to look forward to and explore. There was also comfort in the repetition of the same warm up each week or the gradual build up of learning new choreography, working hard on it to see the progress you were making each lesson.
Every year to work on a show that I got to see my dance teacher’s talent, creativity and skill for choreography and teaching come together just at the right time after weeks and weeks of perfecting dance numbers for it then to be displayed on stage for the audience of loved ones to enjoy. The buzz in the dressing room, the excitement to see which costumes you would wear and the exhilaration of performing under the hot lights of the stage.
As in psalm 149:3 - “Let them praise his name with dancing and make music to him”. After every show it felt like a celebration of all our hard work and to be able to rejoice together. 1 Thessalonians 5:16–18 - “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” Such precious gifts and modalities that God has given us to use, express and celebrate here on Earth.
When I was a little older, our dance teacher gave us the freedom to choreograph our own dance numbers in the genre or style of our choice and the music as well. I loved having the creative freedom to collaborate with friends, especially one friend in particular, who still to this date is one my incredible best friends, to create and envisage our own masterpiece to music. The joy and creativity that it evoked is hard to put into words, and is a feeling and memory to this day that I cherish. Even during the times of being told to be careful by our mum’s to not break any bones from doing leap frogs, worms and acrobatics on concrete patios in our gardens during our private rehearsals.
The elation throughout my body being able to move so freely, without a care in the world… because it could, and without consequence. This however, looking back, was a luxury and a gift that I should not take for granted.
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